There are a lot of things that cause a person pain, it can be different for everyone and can dimmish a person as long as it continues. I spent years in that constant state of pain. Always putting someone above myself. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I let myself go mentally and physically and lived in this world where I thought it didn’t matter. I would spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower as tears rolled down my face or sit in my car in the garage for a couple of seconds just to prepare myself for whatever I was about to walk into.

 I was questioned on everything I did when I did decide to do something for myself. Whether that be putting on an old dress I hadn’t worn in years or styling my hair a way I preferred it. Yes, something that small would raise a flag and I would be questioned about it. Who was I dressing up for? Or you know I don’t like your hair like that, why would you do it that way? It pulled at my self esteem and made me hate myself.

I let my health go the most, I was under so much stress trying to be the best I could, I was the single income in the house, and I was supporting myself, my eventually sons and I was supporting the person I thought would be there forever. Little did I know I was being taken advantage of.

I was eating all the crap, all the things I have been telling you to stay away from. I just didn’t care that I had gained weight, but it wasn’t just that, my overall health was horrible. So much so, that when I was 8 months pregnant with my second son, I had a mini stroke and was hospitalized. It was just a small scare, but I think that was really where a turning point set in. I realized how much I had suffered over the years and that my kids deserved to have the best mom I could be, and this wasn’t it. Being a single parent is extremely hard and you need to be at your best, always. I have been trying really hard to practice more self-care and I know in the end that will make me a better mom for it. Nothing prepares you for parenthood but by taking care of yourself, you’re ready to take on the world. I experience that firsthand this weekend.

Over the weekend, it happened. My oldest son looked at me and said, “why don’t I have a daddy?” the question struck me to my core. I knew one day he would ask, and I thought I was prepared to answer him. It turns out he asked me a lot sooner than I thought he would. He doesn’t remember the time he had when his dad was around. At only three, his dad was only around for 1 year of his life, how many of you remember the first year of your life? I had to gather my composure and calmy explain to him that he does have a father, someone who was there when he was born and someone who helped create him. That man, though not here today, cares for him as much as he can care for him. He seemed to have accepted my answer and told me “But I have mama”. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I knew I needed to hold my composure. I told him yes, but you have so many others here to protect you and care for you too. Then he started to list everyone else in his life, with my help of course and we moved on from the subject.

Although, that conversation made my heart ache, he took away from it all I needed him to take from it, and that is that he has a family that is extremely supportive and loves him very much. I am sure the conversation will come up again and I will just try to be prepared in the best way I can. Taking care of myself is the first step in the many steps I will take to be the best person I can be and although I have ups and downs, I try to stay on track. I realize I lose my patience sometimes and apologize for it. We are all human.

So, do the dang things that make you happy and forget those who judge you. Be happy, be you!